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I’ve stopped eating the amount of sugar I normally would. And what I am finding is that this is different from when I stopped smoking cigarettes for example. When i stopped smoking, I had very little thought in terms of temptation to smoke, but with stopping sugar, I still have these thoughts tempting me to eat sugary foods. But, see, the ‘reason’ I am stopping sugar is not because it is more ‘healthy’ per se, although that is part of it, but really, I have so many mental addictions, and that’s what I see sugar is supporting within myself. The addiction to good feelings, to comfort, to not facing conflict, discomfort.
this is a similar point, as far as I can see, to being addicted to the mind energy of pornography or sexual images. admittedly, i still am stimulated in my mind by certain sexual images, or images that I have defined as sexual or sexually stimulating. Although i am not seeking that energy, the connection in my mind of those images to energy and ‘feeling a certain way’.
The sugar addiction is obviously a physical addiction programmed through years and years throughout my childhood – and stopping this physical addiction will obviously support me in stopping my ‘mental addictions’
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i will not allow personality to interfere with my standing up for what i know to be necessary. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my expression according to the way it would make me appear and what others would think of me.  i will not allow myself to consider anything from that starting point.  i will consider from within common sense in terms of the 1+1+1 effect my expression has on the greater whole, but i will not allow myself to be concerned with how i appear to others from the persepctive of protecting my personality. my personality does not serve me and i have no interest in it.  i tried it, it is really not all its cut out to be.  it is mostly fear and judgment and defense. i am not interested in these things. i am interested in living, expressing, and being here with equals, not with a bunch of other personalities all competing for attention and survival.  i will not allow my personality to be king of my world and i will not allow anyone elses personality to influence who i am. no more.

Today I took the first step in standing up and no longer accepting the patter of waking up and going back to sleep for several hours more.  When I first got back to the US from South Africa, i had little difficulty in waking up in the morning. in fact i was excited to get up and take on the new day. This continued for several months until one day where I allowed myself to sleep in as a ‘reward’ and i justified that it wouldnt affect me. But what i did then was every morning after that I found some excuse to sleep in again, always putting off the day when I would continue waking up and getting up without going back to sleep.

What happened recently, is that I decided a few days ago within myself to not allow myself to go back to sleep once I wake up, however the last two days i made this statement I still allowed myself to sleep in.  I justified it that i needed the sleep, that katie wasn’t getting up so it was ok for me to sleep in, and that i would do it the next day.  but what i noticed then was that katie made a statement that she would no longer let herself sleep in and the next day she got up but i did not. then she eventually came back to bed.  I felt angry towards her, projecting my own frustration with myself onto her.

i forgive myself for accepting  and allowing myself to feel anger towards another as a justification for myself to not take responsibility for myself and my actions.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find a point of blame outside of myself so as to not have to face myself and the consequences of what i allow.

what i realized when katie came back to bed was that, while i am responsible for myself, i am also in agreement to support not only myself to live practically and within the physical , not in my mind, but to also support Katie to do so as well.  And that i was not supporting Katie to get up and stop her pattern by not stopping mine.  So i made the decision to not any more allow this point.  I woke up today, and i have not gone back into bed.  I have been experiencing points of ‘sleepiness’ but i am breathing through them and i will not allow myself to use a feeling as an excuse not to stay awake.

when i look at the reason for staying awake when i get up in the morning and not just going back to sleep for a little longer, the point is that i only have so many breaths to take and act within in this life. i do not know how many i have, but each moment i spend sleeping is a lost moment where I could be here, in the physical participating as a self-directed equal and pushing myself to stand up and birth myself as life, stopping my personality.  By going back to sleep in the mornings, this only prolongs the process, and represents that I would rather not exist and face myself.  This is obviously not acceptable.  I realize that i do require some sleep, however, 6 hours is sufficient from what i can tell so far.  in fact when i sleep longer than that, then when i do eventually get up, i experience myself as more sluggish and ‘tired’ than if i had just got up after sleeping less.

so from here on, i am making the statement that i will not allow myself to go back to sleep immediately after waking up. i will push myself to be here, present immediately upon waking and to be effective from the first breath to the last.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my personality to speak.

I forgive myself not allowing myself to simply breathe, write out another’s words, check their starting point and the respond according to the commonsense of what is best for all in that situation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to prove something when speaking/writing to another person

when answering another being, i will breathe, check and clear my reactions, consider the other being’s words in self honesty and then respond according to the commonsense within what is best for all.

i will not allow myself to go into guilt about mistakes i have  made in the past when speaking to people.  i can only forgive myself and move on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being effective within business.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not fully participating in being effective within business by believing that I cannot do what is necessary effectively in terms of speaking with others and in presenting myself in such a way as to bring the person to a decision that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am acting within my own self-interest when I have made a decision to stand for what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justifications not to give up my idea of myself as weak and inferior to the point of standing within effectiveness as a salesperson and a businessman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate as a justification not to succeed within being effective in business in writing presentations, speaking with people, and developing the necessary skills to assist people in making decisions that are best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what people perceive me as or what I appear as and that this will affect my ability to be effective. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand back within myself within my reality and blame my ineffectiveness on lack of knowledge and experience.  I will not allow fear and justification to prevent me from being successful.  I will stand by what is best for all.  I will allow my environment to assist me to see the points where I am not standing equal to my full effectiveness and I will make the necessary changes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure. I will not see failure as failure but only as feedback to make the necessary corrections to be effective.

I will not allow myself to go into personality to defend myself or my ideas about myself. I have found that sometimes I decide on an activity and then when discussing it with other people, I feel challenged by them.  I know that when this feeling occurs it is an indicator for myself that I am participating in an idea that supports my personality.  In these cases, I will breathe, and not participate in any justification or action that stems from my feeling challenged.  Only when I am clear of feeling challenged will I then further discuss the idea or plan or activity.

This is a necessary way of approaching things, because when we argue with someone from a point of reaction, not only do we end up abusing the other as well as ourself, but we end up spending time merely participating in an energetic exchange. Nothing practically is done in those moments that supports all equally. We only end up creating more consequences for ourselves and everyone else to walk through, which means more time added to this process.

I say from here on, no more participation in personality. And if I do see myself participating in it, I can no longer say that I don’t know any better or that I don’t know how to identify when I am participating.

Reading sunette/dimensions’ post on anna’s crashing thread, i went back and looked at my latest posts to see if i was using another’s name to hide behind and to implicitly blame another for my falling.  I do not see that i did that, however what i did experience was fear that I might have.  I find that when I write it is still from a starting point of not quite being sure ‘what I am writing’. but this is obviously an excuse to not allow myself to simply see what my starting point. It is a way I can delay myself from having to actually face myself through my words.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of exposing myself through writing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others through exposing myself in writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my idea of what is going on within my process is in any way real.  I will not accept that my mind definition of what I believe i am going through or experiencing is real. I will only accept that as real as what I am doing physically.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not being able to see all the consequences of my words and actions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not able to see the consequences of my words and actions.

i will breathe and I will consider the principle of oneness and equality, and I will not judge myself for making mistakes. I will not either allow myself to deliberately justify an inappropriate behavior as a mistake.  I will work with what is here, not with the ideas in my mind. I know that they ideas and thoughts will not allow me to see common sense but will only occupy me and cause me to abuse. I realize that it is not my thoughts that abuse, but me allowing myself direct myself according to abusive thoughts that causes abuse. I will not allow myself to place the responsibility for my actions outside of myself as: thoughts, feelings, emotions, other people, events beyond my control, money, preference.  I am at all times responsible for what I am allowing.  I will not judge myself when I make a mistake. I will however correct myself when i see the mistake.

I will not allow the emotion and feeling of fear prevent me from doing the physical activities necessary to continue my work and participate with those in my immediate environment.  I will not allow fear to be an excuse not to act. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear as an excuse to not speak and act as that which i stand for and as.  I will not allow fear to direct me or to be an excuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into taking responsibility for me. I will not allow myself to abuse others and have them take responsibility.  I will not allow my feelings of discomfort to be an excuse to abuse others or manipulate others into doing things for me or to take on responsibilities for me.  I will not use others as a means to make myself more. I will work with those in my immediate environment, and anyone else who is in agreement with me on principle, as one and as equals. I will not try to change another as an excuse an attempt to not have to change myself. I will no longer blame another when something doesn’t go the way I want it to. I will not blame or judge another when they do not meet the expectations that I have set for them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set expectations for another when I am not in fact supporting them to achieve those expectations.

As I’ve been now participating on the forums, since Bernard released the process update vids, I have been looking at how I write and how i choose the words that I do.

What I saw within what Bernard said about my fall within my process was that I have a tendency to reply and respond to others from the starting point of knowledge only. Meaning – I will take something that i ‘know’ like for instance – to transcend a patter all you must to is clear it in one breath – and the suggest that to someone else. However, I have not in fact done this myself. For me it has been a process and I have had a lot of assistance from others.

The point though is that I am now ‘restricting’ myself to only speaking of that which I have done for myself and proved for myself to myself. I mean, if i am talking about anything else, then it is just bullshit and it is obviously pretty arrogant of me to suggest to someone else something that i have not or am not willing to actually do myself.

and when i have fallen on this point it reveals itself clearly in my writing. and now that i am aware of it, I can see that this is a pattern that i have lived my whole life. one of feeling superior, ‘knowing more’. i used to argue with my parents extensively and they would tell me that I thought i knew everything. of course, i never saw this as a gift, but rather that they were just jealous and wrong. but that only validate their point.