i will not allow personality to interfere with my standing up for what i know to be necessary. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my expression according to the way it would make me appear and what others would think of me. i will not allow myself to consider anything from that starting point. i will consider from within common sense in terms of the 1+1+1 effect my expression has on the greater whole, but i will not allow myself to be concerned with how i appear to others from the persepctive of protecting my personality. my personality does not serve me and i have no interest in it. i tried it, it is really not all its cut out to be. it is mostly fear and judgment and defense. i am not interested in these things. i am interested in living, expressing, and being here with equals, not with a bunch of other personalities all competing for attention and survival. i will not allow my personality to be king of my world and i will not allow anyone elses personality to influence who i am. no more.
Today I took the first step in standing up and no longer accepting the patter of waking up and going back to sleep for several hours more. When I first got back to the US from South Africa, i had little difficulty in waking up in the morning. in fact i was excited to get up and take on the new day. This continued for several months until one day where I allowed myself to sleep in as a ‘reward’ and i justified that it wouldnt affect me. But what i did then was every morning after that I found some excuse to sleep in again, always putting off the day when I would continue waking up and getting up without going back to sleep.
What happened recently, is that I decided a few days ago within myself to not allow myself to go back to sleep once I wake up, however the last two days i made this statement I still allowed myself to sleep in. I justified it that i needed the sleep, that katie wasn’t getting up so it was ok for me to sleep in, and that i would do it the next day. but what i noticed then was that katie made a statement that she would no longer let herself sleep in and the next day she got up but i did not. then she eventually came back to bed. I felt angry towards her, projecting my own frustration with myself onto her.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger towards another as a justification for myself to not take responsibility for myself and my actions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find a point of blame outside of myself so as to not have to face myself and the consequences of what i allow.
what i realized when katie came back to bed was that, while i am responsible for myself, i am also in agreement to support not only myself to live practically and within the physical , not in my mind, but to also support Katie to do so as well. And that i was not supporting Katie to get up and stop her pattern by not stopping mine. So i made the decision to not any more allow this point. I woke up today, and i have not gone back into bed. I have been experiencing points of ‘sleepiness’ but i am breathing through them and i will not allow myself to use a feeling as an excuse not to stay awake.
when i look at the reason for staying awake when i get up in the morning and not just going back to sleep for a little longer, the point is that i only have so many breaths to take and act within in this life. i do not know how many i have, but each moment i spend sleeping is a lost moment where I could be here, in the physical participating as a self-directed equal and pushing myself to stand up and birth myself as life, stopping my personality. By going back to sleep in the mornings, this only prolongs the process, and represents that I would rather not exist and face myself. This is obviously not acceptable. I realize that i do require some sleep, however, 6 hours is sufficient from what i can tell so far. in fact when i sleep longer than that, then when i do eventually get up, i experience myself as more sluggish and ‘tired’ than if i had just got up after sleeping less.
so from here on, i am making the statement that i will not allow myself to go back to sleep immediately after waking up. i will push myself to be here, present immediately upon waking and to be effective from the first breath to the last.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my personality to speak.
I forgive myself not allowing myself to simply breathe, write out another’s words, check their starting point and the respond according to the commonsense of what is best for all in that situation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to prove something when speaking/writing to another person
when answering another being, i will breathe, check and clear my reactions, consider the other being’s words in self honesty and then respond according to the commonsense within what is best for all.
i will not allow myself to go into guilt about mistakes i have made in the past when speaking to people. i can only forgive myself and move on.
I will not allow myself to go into personality to defend myself or my ideas about myself. I have found that sometimes I decide on an activity and then when discussing it with other people, I feel challenged by them. I know that when this feeling occurs it is an indicator for myself that I am participating in an idea that supports my personality. In these cases, I will breathe, and not participate in any justification or action that stems from my feeling challenged. Only when I am clear of feeling challenged will I then further discuss the idea or plan or activity.
This is a necessary way of approaching things, because when we argue with someone from a point of reaction, not only do we end up abusing the other as well as ourself, but we end up spending time merely participating in an energetic exchange. Nothing practically is done in those moments that supports all equally. We only end up creating more consequences for ourselves and everyone else to walk through, which means more time added to this process.
I say from here on, no more participation in personality. And if I do see myself participating in it, I can no longer say that I don’t know any better or that I don’t know how to identify when I am participating.
i will breathe and I will consider the principle of oneness and equality, and I will not judge myself for making mistakes. I will not either allow myself to deliberately justify an inappropriate behavior as a mistake. I will work with what is here, not with the ideas in my mind. I know that they ideas and thoughts will not allow me to see common sense but will only occupy me and cause me to abuse. I realize that it is not my thoughts that abuse, but me allowing myself direct myself according to abusive thoughts that causes abuse. I will not allow myself to place the responsibility for my actions outside of myself as: thoughts, feelings, emotions, other people, events beyond my control, money, preference. I am at all times responsible for what I am allowing. I will not judge myself when I make a mistake. I will however correct myself when i see the mistake.
As I’ve been now participating on the forums, since Bernard released the process update vids, I have been looking at how I write and how i choose the words that I do.
What I saw within what Bernard said about my fall within my process was that I have a tendency to reply and respond to others from the starting point of knowledge only. Meaning – I will take something that i ‘know’ like for instance – to transcend a patter all you must to is clear it in one breath – and the suggest that to someone else. However, I have not in fact done this myself. For me it has been a process and I have had a lot of assistance from others.
The point though is that I am now ‘restricting’ myself to only speaking of that which I have done for myself and proved for myself to myself. I mean, if i am talking about anything else, then it is just bullshit and it is obviously pretty arrogant of me to suggest to someone else something that i have not or am not willing to actually do myself.
and when i have fallen on this point it reveals itself clearly in my writing. and now that i am aware of it, I can see that this is a pattern that i have lived my whole life. one of feeling superior, ‘knowing more’. i used to argue with my parents extensively and they would tell me that I thought i knew everything. of course, i never saw this as a gift, but rather that they were just jealous and wrong. but that only validate their point.