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Today I took the first step in standing up and no longer accepting the patter of waking up and going back to sleep for several hours more.  When I first got back to the US from South Africa, i had little difficulty in waking up in the morning. in fact i was excited to get up and take on the new day. This continued for several months until one day where I allowed myself to sleep in as a ‘reward’ and i justified that it wouldnt affect me. But what i did then was every morning after that I found some excuse to sleep in again, always putting off the day when I would continue waking up and getting up without going back to sleep.

What happened recently, is that I decided a few days ago within myself to not allow myself to go back to sleep once I wake up, however the last two days i made this statement I still allowed myself to sleep in.  I justified it that i needed the sleep, that katie wasn’t getting up so it was ok for me to sleep in, and that i would do it the next day.  but what i noticed then was that katie made a statement that she would no longer let herself sleep in and the next day she got up but i did not. then she eventually came back to bed.  I felt angry towards her, projecting my own frustration with myself onto her.

i forgive myself for accepting  and allowing myself to feel anger towards another as a justification for myself to not take responsibility for myself and my actions.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find a point of blame outside of myself so as to not have to face myself and the consequences of what i allow.

what i realized when katie came back to bed was that, while i am responsible for myself, i am also in agreement to support not only myself to live practically and within the physical , not in my mind, but to also support Katie to do so as well.  And that i was not supporting Katie to get up and stop her pattern by not stopping mine.  So i made the decision to not any more allow this point.  I woke up today, and i have not gone back into bed.  I have been experiencing points of ‘sleepiness’ but i am breathing through them and i will not allow myself to use a feeling as an excuse not to stay awake.

when i look at the reason for staying awake when i get up in the morning and not just going back to sleep for a little longer, the point is that i only have so many breaths to take and act within in this life. i do not know how many i have, but each moment i spend sleeping is a lost moment where I could be here, in the physical participating as a self-directed equal and pushing myself to stand up and birth myself as life, stopping my personality.  By going back to sleep in the mornings, this only prolongs the process, and represents that I would rather not exist and face myself.  This is obviously not acceptable.  I realize that i do require some sleep, however, 6 hours is sufficient from what i can tell so far.  in fact when i sleep longer than that, then when i do eventually get up, i experience myself as more sluggish and ‘tired’ than if i had just got up after sleeping less.

so from here on, i am making the statement that i will not allow myself to go back to sleep immediately after waking up. i will push myself to be here, present immediately upon waking and to be effective from the first breath to the last.

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